It's amazing how much of ourselves we lock away.

You can live your entire life with bruises and cuts on your heart and soul, without ever even realizing they are there.

We lock it away because we don't want to face the things that have held us back. We don't want to bother with the time, the pain and the emotional vulnerability that is needed to really be healed and healthy.

Why is it such a weakness to be vulnerable? To others, to ourselves?

As I referenced in my last blog, it's about perspective. We see vulnerability as being open to getting hurt. Vulnerability almost always has a negative connotation to it.

What about being vulnerable to love and be loved? Or vulnerable enough to reach down inside of our souls and show people the ingredients of what makes us who we are?

So people may not accept us for who we are.

But the freedom that comes from that kind of vulnerability is priceless.

Those who matter will not only accept you, but will be inspired to do the same. And that is how lives are changed.

So...

A lot of things have changed in my life recently.

I just recently have started to see what exactly is going on in my heart and soul. You go through life and you think a million different things, but 95% of them you never ever let yourself truly ponder about. My life has been shaped by so many different things and you think just because you can get through a day without crying, that you are stable. But there's so much that God sees that we don't. I have had a lot of pain in my life and a lot of traumas (for lack of a better word). I thought I had truly dealt with them, just because I could get through a day or even years, without thinking of them. They didn't effect my daily life anymore. But that's such a farce. Because the pain is still there...it's just been untouched. So I have recently been learning to dig deep and try to genuinely become healthy in my heart. It's a daily job and it's not easy. There are days I am indignant and days when I am more than willing. But I know this, in the end, will be much more rewarding and will produce a much higher quality of life than I originally thought.

The funny thing is, that through digging deep into my heart, I have recognized desires and interests I forgot I even had. I used to write short fiction and poetry all the time. I write music all the time. But I've been experiencing such a terrible writer's block. And it's all because my heart has been so closed. You speak in poetry, fiction and songs out of the overflow in your heart and you can't do that when you have your heart so closed off. Now that I've started to truly open up my heart and be vulnerable, I'm experiencing quite a break in my writer's block. God is so faithful. Things can be so painful yet, he can bring such fruit out of times of challenge. He is truly amazing.

So this is my life as of right now...and it's fabulous

So...another semester begins...

This summer has been quite a learning experience for me though. It went by super quick but God has really used this time to teach me quite a few lessons...

I have learned how good I have it here in the States. I may not have much but I am truly thankful for it. Physical possessions don't mean much when you compare them to relationships and the love that I have here. In Laos, the people don't have all of the latest technologies, western luxuries or physical possessions but they have love, loyalty and respect. I think that is more important and worth a whole heck of a lot more than anything in this world. We get that twisted in America. Not everyone. But a lot of people do.

I have learned what it means to let go and let God...ha ha. There are sometimes circumstances in our lives that we can't control. And sometimes there isn't a darn thing we can do to fix a situation or "help God". Sometimes you just need to let go and trust that God will be there to catch you. I got the daylights scared out of me this summer. But God is bigger than that and He came through for me just in time.

And I have learned what it means to love. When we went to Laos we could barely communicate with a lot of the people. But I loved them as if I had known them 10 years. I will honesty say that I have never felt love like that for someone other than my family, but I'm noticing that in reality God just broke down a wall in me and that is effecting every relationship in my life. Even friends that I have had for years I am beginning to realize the love that I have for them. Sometimes it takes a drastic example of love for you to see the little examples of it in everyday life. I don't think I actually understood love or felt it as deeply as I do now. It's amazing how much God can do in only a week and a half.

So now I am ready to move back to school and try to keep all of these things in practice. It's now that I know I have to learn to continuously apply all of this to my life in order for it to make a difference. Thank God he is there to help me...ha ha. Otherwise I think I would get it all wrong.